My biggest regret-II

(Continuation…)

Out of emotion, she again blurted out. "Until now, I had a ray of hope that you might come out of this one day. Now, it all vanished". She pierced my heart with those lines. She in no time added, "I made the biggest mistake of my life choosing you". Those words terminated me, like forever. I was quiet during her voicing. I was not at all prepared to lose her, no matter what and hence kept listening. For the past two months, I became a prisoner in my own fantasy. I was being punished by Lung cancer every single day. This has no physical impression, but the pain is severe. Very recently, I was told that I would soon migrate to the afterworld, a place where God lives. I didn't want to share my latitude because that would push her into anguish. All I ever wanted is her happiness. As a deduction, I kept this as a secret. I was lying to her all the time.

 "I didn't love you anytime; not even a second" I stammered. She didn't believe me. Like every other time, she replied "No, this is not the one who loves me. You are lying. I could sense the woe in your eyes. Why are you throwing me into a dungeon? Why are you saying all these to me?" I came to know it won't work this way. Next, I lied "I love someone else. She loves me too. We have many things in common. She wanted me to end this relationship of ours". Avani repeated the same, but this time, in another way. "No, stop, please! I don't believe what you are saying. I have no enough strength to digest your words". Then, I uttered in a severe way "Okay, here's the matter. I slept with her, twice. Are you gratified now? This is what you wanted to know, right? Here it is". Saying these, I remained calm. She was shocked listening to my words. Her heart started pounding. "Wh-wh-What? Are you saying that you shared your bed with someone else? Oh god! What is happening?" She fell on her knees crying. Tears rolled down her cheeks. I became emotional looking at her. I never wished to see her in such a pathetic situation. I wanted to hold her and speak “Everything around is a lie, dear. You are my bae till the sun rises in the west”. Somehow, I managed to speak nothing. I turned around and started wiping my tears. Each and every drop emigrating my eyes said "How can you do this to someone who loves you unconditionally. You are a liar". I had nothing else to respond. I tried to bring out the hatred in me, but it all failed in front of her love. "Now, leave me. Get out of this place. I don't need you anymore" I said. She left the room weeping. Silence occupied the entire room then. Every single teardrop of hers sank my heart more in the ocean of love. That was the first time, I threw her into the dark.

"I am a deceiver. I don't deserve her love. I ruined her life." I was all alone crying. At this point, I was able to hear my heartbeat. It was slowing down with the progress of time. I was not able to breathe as a rule. I started coughing continuously. I placed a white cloth in front of my mouth and it soon turned red. Oh my god! I was spitting Blood. My eyes were being shut. My blood pressure started falling. My body was becoming weak. I felt as if somebody was chopping me into fine pieces. I started to lose my consciousness. Soon, I fell on the ground. I was struggling to get up but I couldn't. There was nobody around to mark my direction. I was imagining what would have happened if she had been here.

"She would rush to me in no time. She would sit down and take me into her hands. She would hug me and say how much she loved me. She would slap me hard for that severe conversation. She would cry to the bottom of her heart. I could notice her eyes turning red and her tears touching my cheek. I would say her to take care saying goodbye and she would slap me again".

There was a smile on my face portraying all these. I was framing all the parts of my life in a sequence before taking my last breath. "I am the luckiest man on this planet to have her by my side," I said to myself. She became my mother, my sister, my friend, my partner and what not. All in all, she became my soul. We had many moments together to cherish. I knew this was not going to happen from now. Every moment of our past was wandering in front of my eyes during the last chapter of my life. It was very beautiful. "I don't think I have the right to live because I just killed someone and I can't forgive myself for that, never. Words are mightier than swords, people always say. That's true. I proved it this time."

Two days later, she noticed me in a popular news channel. "A 24-year-old was found dead on Sunday at the streets of New York City. The doctors of The National Medical University (NMU) examined and concluded that he was suffering from lung cancer for the past few months." the news read. She couldn't believe what was happening around. For a moment, her pulse rate dropped. She lost control on herself. She started sobbing. Her body was trembling. "Why did you do this to me? What was my mistake? Am I supposed to be like this forever?" she screamed.  Later, she added "You don't know how painful it is for me to live without you. Why didn't you tell me before? I always wanted to be with you, even in the darkest hours and the hardest times. I would have preferred death to life, just to be with you. You left me alone in this world. Where should I travel now?" She kept grieving for more than 2 hours.

"Forty days before, I was told that I would die soon. The lung cancer, which was killing me couldn't be treated as it entered the edge of death. I had no choice."

She made my last days as colourful as a rainbow. She was the reason, happiness stayed in my room. I could not have asked for anything else. Since the beginning of our journey, I wanted to express my wholehearted love towards her, but I couldn't. I know she loves me a lot. Her anger was an outburst of her love when she said she was cursed. She always loved me more than I did. I am so happy for having a polymath in so-called love. She was caring, kind, trustworthy, humble, honest and loving. I never wanted anything beyond her love. Her love is unconditional.

12 years passed. Even today, she loves me the same way she did years ago. I am always with her. She cannot see me, but I can. My eternal love towards her won the battle against fate and made me stay with her. I am everywhere around. I am in the air she breathes. I am in the water she drinks. I am in the progress she makes. I am in her happiness. I am in her sadness.

Everyday morning, before going to work, she looks at our last snap and shed tears. I wish I could hug her and say "I am still with you". That is always beyond the laws of nature. I know it never turns into reality…

This story is not a routine one with a happy ending. This is MY BIGGEST REGRET. You know what my biggest regret is? This is it. You know why? It is because I couldn't prove my love to her anytime. I couldn't bring happiness to her life until the end. I couldn't keep my promise. I couldn't be the "ONE" for her. Finally, because I left her alone and ruined her life.

Not every story ends in happiness. Some lives are meant to flow in a river of sorrow. Ironically, such rivers are formed by the tears we shed every single day. Mine is one such story. If love is only for people alive, that is not LOVE at all. The world thinks I am no more breathing, but I am alive. I am alive in her heart, and as long as it keeps on beating, I will keep on showering my love upon her.

As long as Avani lives, Ankit lives…

Yours Truly

Ankit, c/o Avani

My biggest regret-I

Inspired by the quote:

“Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans.”

                                                                                                        
                                                                                                -Allen Saunders

The weather was very quiet on a blustery cold night and the clocks were striking one. I was done with my office work and was about to sleep. As I was shutting down my PC, my phone started to vibrate. It said, “You have a new message”. I commonly unlocked it to read the text. It was from her. To my surprise, it was all blank. Not even a single word was written in it. I didn’t know what she intended. I was puzzled. I started thinking whether it was a YES or NO for her. My mind started wandering at the top gear. Ambiguity accompanied me for the next few seconds. As I was waiting for the second message, I travelled into the past. Almost 8 hours ago, exactly at 18:32, I proposed her at the Time Square, New York. All the happiness on her face disappeared listening to it. She never wanted to invite me into her life, I felt. She decided to go, putting a question mark on our faces. Another beep and I’m back to present. After a very long time of 2 minutes, my phone vibrated again. I felt as if I waited hours to get the second one. This time, something was written.  I started going through the lines. The text in the message said “It’s a YES for me Ankit. I love you too”. There was a heart emoji at the end, seeing which, my heartbeat reappeared normal. I was more than happy. I felt like flying in the world of heavens. At this point, I texted back. “I love you, not just today, but for a lifetime”. I felt as if I had lived thousand years, only to gain her love. She soon rang me. We kept on talking for the next four hours. I soon realized she wanted me to be the one for her, forever. I never expected that a day would come, and bring so much love to my life in the form of Avani. I asked if she was ready to come out with me. In a flash, she said yes. We both greeted good morning and ended the conversation.

It’s 8 in the morning. The sun was shining brightly. It was a pleasant atmosphere everywhere. Dr.Karan, my uncle, called to remind me of my appointment at ten. I was suffering from unusual coughing and persistent back pain for the past two months. Weight loss added to the above in recent times. He said he needed to examine. I promised I would be there on time. I decided to meet Avani after lunch. I texted her the same.

It was 2:15 in the afternoon. I turned Quicksilver, a fictional superhero who runs very fast. I was waiting to see her for the past few hours. Finally, there she was, wearing a white top and blue jeans. She was the same old girl to everyone. To me, she was different. She was the paradise, my heart wanted to reside in until the end of time. I was staring at her little by little. She was laughing and trying her best to take off my eyes from her. All her efforts failed. I was wearing a smile on my face. With utmost warmth, I calmly uttered “I love you”. She paused to my words. She didn’t know what to say. She became so emotional that she started to weep. At this point, I held her hand and took her into my arms. That was the first, promising hug of ours. I really loved it. A hug is one of the best ways to express love, I believe. I’m sure that moment never fades as long as my soul lives on. That was something happened 12 years ago. Every time I recall that incident, I start counting the drops coming out of my eyes.

That day, we spent some time watching a movie and then went shopping. We were dining at one of the city restaurants. That was when I realized more than 6 hours passed. It was getting late. I decided to drop her home. I then went to the hospital to collect my reports. My uncle left to Sydney for operating a brain tumor patient. I took the reports and returned home.

I opened them and started to skim through the lines. I couldn’t understand much Medicine. I reached the bottom part of it to know what it was all about. To my disbelief, I found something in bold and capitals which almost killed me. It said “GROWTH OF CANCER CELLS: POSITIVE”. Shocked!! I was taken aback. My entire world turned upside down. I felt as if a heavy storm had hit me out of nowhere and I was struggling to keep myself alive. I was out of my mind completely, reading those breath-taking lines. Everything around faded in no time. I could see nothing. For a moment, I almost reached the entrance of afterworld. I fell on my knees lamenting. What else I could do. In such a hard time, Avani hit my mind. I was more bothered. I was more distressed. “What should I do now?” Had I waited one more day of my life, her life would have been colourful. My life turned turtle all of a sudden. I said to myself “I shouldn’t have proposed her. I ruined her life. I am such an idiot.” It seemed like I was traveling in a path that doesn’t end in reality. “Should I tell her? Or should I hide it? How will she react if she ever knows about my complication? How can the story of ours end this way?” I started to cry louder than ever. Tears continued to leave me…

(To be continued…)

P.S: Characters are completely fictional.